The Presidential Race / NFL Playoff Push

by Jason Jones

Imagine for a moment, if you will, the Presidential nominees in an NFL style playoff run. Mind you, not in the playoffs, but a playoff run. As the landscape of the NFL begins to take shape, we start to realize not every team is worthy of a spot based on the competition ahead of them. The same can be said about the presidential nominees that have no place in this race (namely Ron Paul).

If we are to fairly examine both sides we must create a depth chart or power ranking of both the NFL and the presidential nominees. These are the rankings as I see them:

(Note my opinion does not reflect that of the FDH Lounge, FantasyDraftHelp.com or any of its subsidiaries)

NFL ------ Nominees

1 New England Patriots ------ 1 Fred Thompson

2 Indianapolis Colts ------ 2 Rudy Guiliani

3 Dallas Cowboys ------ 3 John McCain

4 Green Bay Packers ------ 4 Barack Obama

5 Pittsburgh Steelers ------ 5 Mike Huckabee (name change rec.)

6 Detroit Lions ------ 6 Tom Tancredo

7 New York Giants ------ 7 Dennis Kucinich

8 Washington Redskins ------ 8 Bill Richardson

9 Cleveland Browns ------ 9 Duncan Hunter

10 Tennessee Titans ------ 10 Joe Biden

11 Tampa Bay Buccaneers ------ 11 Mike Gravel

12 Jacksonville Jaguars ------ 12 Chris Dodd

13 San Diego Chargers ------ 13 Ron Paul

14 Baltimore Ravens ------ 14 John Edwards

15 New Orleans Saints ------ 15 Mitt Romney

16 Buffalo Bills ------ 16 Hillary Clinton

Now for some explanations. Starting with the Nominees side, I am sure most of you are wondering why my power rankings in almost no way mimic that of the American public. Well, in short, people can be very smart, but groups of people are F@#!ing retarded!!! We will revisit this idea later.

- Starting at the top, Fred Thompson is the most well rounded perfect candidate on the docket. Consequently, this is where the first tier ends. If you do not agree you are entitled to your opinion like the stupid people are entitled to reproduce. This piece is not a debate over the candidates, maybe as we get closer we will do just that.

- Second is Rudy Guiliani, I am not especially riveted by this guy; especially when he mentions being in charge during 9-11. I do get the impression that he could do the job. He would be popular. Whether you like it or not, the average American doesn’t really care about the specific nature of the issues, it’s a feel thing. For some strange reason Rudy rubs people the right way.

- Third is John McCain, for those that know me, this one is probably a shock. There is on doubt, saying he has been underwhelming in the debates is a vast a polite understatement. Nixon looked more calm and collected versus JFK in the debate forum. Bottom line, John McCain knows how to play the game. I do not agree with even the vast majority of candidacy to this point, but he could do the job with a veteran savvy. This ends the second tier.

- Fourth is Barack Obama, the first Democrat on the list and believe me if I considered my party bias the first Democrat would probably come in around 9. He is very very green. This is where my confidence that the candidate is competent enough to do the job waivers. Obama is like a great top shelf minor league baseball player. He looks like he can play the part, his record looks good, and he’s confident that he can play with the big boys. Then he gets there and everyone wonders why his .385 batting average doesn’t translate literally to the majors. Some day Obama might be a great politician, but today is not that day. We need to send him back to the senate and let him work out the kinks for a while.

- Fifth is Mike Huckabee. Lets be honest, he just seems like a good guy. Do you remember that story about conservation? The one where he ride his bicycle to the grocery store to conserve on the gas he uses in his environmentally friendly car and his kids laugh at him for it? Do you remember that? I thought, “aw that’s sweet, what nice guy, a little HIPPY-ish for me, but a nice guy”. News flash, it should take more than NICE GUY. I’m sure under his old and alien like physique, Bob Dole is a nice guy. But would you have felt comfortable 10 minutes after watching any network television on September 11^th, knowing he was probably cowered in some corner sucking on his binkie?

- Sixth is Tom Tancredo. First and foremost, Tom we get it. You don’t like foreigners. Maybe its just illegals from South America. Maybe he doesn’t like Canadians, Europeans, Asians, or Russians if they are here illegally. If that’s the case, this point is mute anyway. You still have to admire the solid Titanium balls on that guy to be so adamant about a single issue. I could have sworn I heard in a debate, Tancredo conclude that the answer to an exit strategy to the Iraq conflict and Universal Heath Care will come in solving our illegal immigration issue. I bet if he could he would have military snipers every 5 feet from California to Florida. Oh, and just a thought. Do you think an American born, suburb raised, heterosexual, 30 something man with a Business Administrations bachelor degree, who pledged for a well renouned fraternity in the Ivy League laid the foundation on his house? Just speculation, but I am pretty sure some illegal contributed to Tancredo’s life positively in some way…and that probably burns him up.

- Seventh is Dennis Kucinich. Not a popular guy. In the Presidential Election ’08 made for tv movie, Kucinich would be played by D.J. Qualls (the skinny kid from Road Trip). Nobody likes creepy to greet you when you’re expecting another spine tingling episode of 24 and get D.J. Qualls addressing the nation. I cannot see Kucinich running the country, but I want to believe he is a good honest man when all is said and done. This concludes the third tier.

- Eighth is Bill Richardson. Let’s not sugar coat it. This is where the bottom falls out. I do not claim to know much about the rest of these with three exceptions. The truth is aside from hearing Richardson spout off his political resume during a debate and his appearance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, I’ve got nothing on Richardson. He seems like a decent guy who has some gumption. Besides, this list should have ended at Tancredo anyway.

- Ninth is Duncan Hunter. At least he is a Republican. He has no chance, which is a major part of this exercise.

- Tenth is Joe Biden. Again, I could see him doing the job. He has said a great deal of things that I do not agree with, but aside from Fred Thompson, there is not going to be a candidate I will agree with 95% of the time.

- Eleventh is Mike Gravel. Again, I have nothing. I have not heard much one way or the other. What I have heard has forced me to change the channel. While watching presidential debates, one must have an alternate channel to click to when the responses get unbearable. I recommend ESPN Classic or the Discovery Channel. Anything that resides on the other end of the spectrum from Politics.

- Twelfth is Chris Dodd. Insert previous statement here. Conclude tier four

- Thirteenth is Ron Paul. Strap in ladies and gentleman this one begins the tri-fecta of doom. Ron Paul is a hack! A phony, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I know he has somewhat of following, but so did Ross Perot. Ron Paul is not only bad for president, he’s bad for politics in general. He doesn’t play by the rules. I get it, Libertarian, Liberal Republican, Left Wing Republican, or whatever you want to call him. He should be running as an independent. At least that way the lobe of the American Human brain that tells us to almost disregard Independents because the math precludes them from winning, he would finally get the attention he deserves. Next to none. He’s is a hippie claiming to be the image that the Republican party should be. Believe me, I am not one to say that a single former President embodies every iota that oozes “Republican”. It just seems to me, if the entire party thinks Ronald Reagan is the Republican party, then Ron Paul is as far away from that as one can be without literally being a Democrat.

- Fourteenth is John Edwards. C’mon, are we serious. John Freaking Edwards. Has there ever been a Nominee that more exemplified the smelly kid who wanted to be cool? He’s the kid at the park who wants to be picked to play in the game and keeps getting passed over for kids who are busy doing other things (like 30 yards away on another part of the park). I also get the impression that if he were to be the next president, he is the kind of guy who would have the angle of, “fine, I’m taking my ball and going home, you guys suck!” Which is not really the attitude you want your president to have when dealing with foreign policy and cabinet meetings.

- Fifteenth is Mitt Romney. I really hope you have your seatbelt on for the next two. Plain and simple. Do not believe this devilish swindler. I bet that if I had a 60 inch High Definition television with all of the HD channels and watched a Republican Debate, I would clearly see the horns poke out through the skin on his forehead. Politically, Mitt Romney is the ANTI-CHRIST. The guy has one general thought process when he wants to get elected in Massachusetts, and a completely different thought process to get elected to president. When people bitch and moan about why they don’t like politics and more specifically, politicians; guess what? Mitt Romney is who they are talking about.

- Sixteenth is Hillary “Holy F#@K You Can’t Be Serious” Clinton. I cannot believe this is even a remote possibility. I keep waiting to wake up from what can only be confused as 2 year comma. I keep hoping I’ll wake up and say to someone, “Does Hillary really have a shot”, just to be told she was never even a candidate and that I must have dreamt the whole thing. Remember I said, people can be smart but groups of people can be retarded. In the trial of the State vs. Group’s of People’s Sanity, the prosecution presents Hillary Clinton for President of the United States into evidence as exhibit alpha. This is such a bad idea on so many levels. I’ll admit, aside from Bill downsizing the military to a dreadfully dangerous number, I did not hate Bill Clinton. Just because the majority of the average American populous believe Clinton was a good president is not enough to give Hillary the benefit of the doubt. This is not a gender issue. This is a Hillary Clinton is a crazy bitch issue. Speaking of crazy bitches, am I the only level headed American who is deathly afraid of Hillary Clinton and Nancy Peloci joining their powers of evil combining to create the kind of super villain that the minds of Stan Lee and Todd McFarlane could not dream up. It would be the catalyst for the apocalypse. Nothing she says makes any sense, she just parades around in slip on shoes and pant suits hoping the people will believe the answer to fixing this country is to have a female president; and she’s the only one. Believe me the bitch is banking on it. I am pleading with every American, don’t let it happen. Further food for thought, if Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney consummated and conceived a child, that child would undo existence. It would unravel the threads of life. Dark would become light, good would become evil, right would become left, “in short, it would un-make the world”

Now that we have addressed all of the candidates, it is time to bring the NFL into this discussion. The problem here is the AFC is the Republican Party and NFC is the Democratic Party. In one tier all by themselves are the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts; there’s no two ways about it. New England is just insane. Arguably the best offense I have personally ever seen. And Indianapolis is inches behind New England after coming off last years SuperBowl win. The second tier has the Dallas Cowboys all by themselves. What a difference a free wheeling coach makes. Same players, different result. Tier three doesn’t make any sense. Why is Green Bay winning? Why has Pittsburgh only lost twice? Brett Favre and a collection 3^rd + round picks. He should be babysitting not winning football games. Pittsburgh, they’re o.k., but top 5? C’mon, somebody step up and expose them PLEASE!!! They are not THAT good. Tier four is again where things start to loosen up. Detroit is doing better than they ever have in a non Barry Sanders season. Statistically, offense and defense at the top. New York Giants finally woke up. This team puts season long sack numbers up in one game, thus elevating some of the pressures that Eli Manning cannot handle on his own. The Washington Redskins are all around o.k. Young QB is getting better, solid running game, 17 #2 and #3 WR’s, a good TE, and a solid Defense-nothing exciting. And that’s tier four. Tier five brings tears to my eyes. The Cleveland Browns. I never thought I’d see the day when I could say the Browns at least have a shot (ever week). They are alone on this tier because after this, no team can claim balance. The next tier, 6, is where it gets sloppy. Tennessee Titans keep winning despite the fact their QB hasn’t thrown 1,000 yds yet and has more INT’s than TD’s and has no one else on offense worth a damn. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a pretty decent passing game right now and a no-name running back by committee system. If Jacksonville ever becomes a team with no defense, they will be the worst team in the league. I bet they wish they had all of there QB and WR draft picks and traded players to pick over again. This season the Chargers have LT, but not much else. This is not the team that went 14-2 last season, unless you want to put all of the fault on the GM for firing Marty. Tier seven has two former playoff teams who are playing drastically under the mean. Baltimore and New Orleans. Not to be harsh, but the whole “playing to win for the victims of hurricane katrina” can only take you so far. Let’s face it, Baltimore peaked. The defense is getting old and the offense has been dog s#@t since Billick got the job; offensive guru my ass. The last and eighth tier belongs to Buffalo. Who knows what’s going on up there. Lynch is nice and the rest of the kids are having fun and playing well since week 3.

So, what does it all mean. All of the previous comes down to one concept. Who belongs and who doesn’t. In the NFL, just because 12 teams make the playoffs, doesn’t mean 12 teams are worthy of being in the playoffs. In the Presidential Race, 16 nominees is unacceptable. If Cleveland beat Pittsburgh in the first round, or Buffalo beat Dallas that wouldn’t be right-and it won’t happen. The bottom line is no matter who you are a fan of, not everyone is worthy. There’s an old saying, “That’s why they play the game”, horse s#@t. The same is true with this presidential race. Sure the Patriots, Colts, Cowboys, Packers, Steelers, and Lions probably deserve to be in the playoffs. Washington through Buffalo probably do not. Similarly, from Mike Huckabee on down also do not belong in the Presidential Nominee push. Narrow the debate’s contestants. Sorry Democrats, call back when you have someone worth pushing. Give Dole a call maybe he’ll join the race for you. Just like in the NFL, it isn’t a question of who should win the SuperBowl. It’s a question of whoever wins the Republican nomination should be the next president. Its not an issue of Democrat vs Republican. There just is not a legitimate Democrat worth voting for. Just like, no matter how hard Dallas, Green Bay, or Detroit try they will not should not and on this plane of existence cannot beat Indianapolis or New England. Whoever wins that AFC championship game should be crowned the winner. While Tom Brady or Peyton Manning are hoisting the AFC title trophy there should be a small man engraving the Lombardi Trophy to that same team. The same is true for the Presidential Nominees. McCain is better than any Democrat. Rudy Guiliani is better than any Democrat. There is no question, Fred Thompson is better than any Democrat; this time around or possibly in the last decade or more.

All in all, just be smart. Just because someone is literally in the race, doesn’t mean they have a legitimate shot at winning or have earned the right to waste your valuable time and energy listening to their s#@t.

Clinton = Apocolypse

Romney = Apocolypse

Ron Paul = Woodstock at the White House

Fred Thompson = Top 10 President in History

Rudy Guiliani = Competent Politician

John McCain = Great Candidate 3, 5, 8 years ago

Cleveland Browns, SuperBowl Champs = Apocolypse

Detroit Lions, SuperBowl Champs = Apocolypse

Pittsburgh Steelers, SuperBowl Champs = The books are cooked in Vegas

Green Bay Packers, SuperBowl Champs = I saw this movie before, it was more realistic in the 1990’s

Just be careful, and remember to think for yourselves. They are politicians after all.