By Rick Morris
The following is a transcript of the Democratic presidential debate from the state of
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Good evening and welcome to this special edition of HARDBALL. We are taping a presidential debate here this afternoon from the
MICHAEL SCOTT: Thank you, Chris. Somehow, you seemed funnier and more entertaining on TV. I am honored to be here this afternoon so that my wonderful ability to MC can help illuminate the choice in this election for my fellow citizens. I regret that my two most trusted assistants in the office, Jim and Pam, could not join me today. They insisted about the supply closet being long overdue for reorganization. I’m not quite sure why Jim was making air quotes when he said that or why Pam smirked a little bit as he did or why Kevin ended up outside the door giggling after they went in. I guess we’ll never know the answer to those questions. But I will get the candidates to answer my questions here today, along with the two people I have here with me instead of Jim and Pam, the ones I really wanted. Dwight Schrute is the top salesman at our branch and Toby Flenderson is a brainless jerk in our HR department who is only here because the stupid people in our country apparently deserve a voice also.
TOBY FLENDERSON: Please, Michael …
MICHAEL: Shut it, Toby, nobody cares about you. OK, my first question is for Senator Osama. Now, Senator …
SENATOR OBAMA: Uh, that’s Obama, not Osama …
MICHAEL: Uh, excuse me, I’m speaking here.
OBAMA: But you got my name wrong!
MICHAEL: Details, details. Save it for your answer. Now, Senator, you have really turned your image around. I see all these young people clamoring for a chance to support you and you’re the hottest thing since my routine last time on open mic night. But really, Senator Osama, do you really think people’s memories are that short? I mean, it was a good move to lose the beard and the turban and the “
OBAMA: I am not Osama bin Laden! My name is Barack Obama. I had NOTHING! TO! DO! with 9/11!
MICHAEL: Uh huh, likely story. Just another politician dodging accountability. Senator Clinton, your response?
HILLARY CLINTON: Well, Michael, I can tell you that my campaign is not responsible for any implication that Senator Obama masterminded 9/11, those flyers in
OBAMA: That’s outrageous! Senator Clinton, I demand an immediate apology and a …
MICHAEL: Candidates, please! You’re not doing anything to elevate the level of discourse here! Let’s move along, I’ll take the next question. Now, Senator Hillary Rodman
MICHAEL: Exactly. Now, I look at you, the cool, collected professional woman in your tailored corporate pantsuits and I’ve gotta tell you, it’s very reminiscent of my girlfriend – eh, let’s call it like it is, my live-in lover Jan Levinson. Now, she rocks the whole powerful businesswoman look, but she is a tomcat in the bedroom. I mean, insatiable. Now Senator …
MICHAEL: You haven’t heard the question yet! Talk about prejudging! So much for open-mindedness. Senator, is the same true of you? Are you a hellion underneath your polished professional look, and if so, why’s Bill constantly roaming the country looking for some strange?
MICHAEL: Blah, blah, blah. I gotta tell ya, you’re not helping your ice queen image much with your uptight response. Here I lob you a softball, give you a chance to talk about using cherry-flavored massage oil or whatever you like to use to get freaky and you get all weird on me!
MICHAEL: OK, we see where you’re going with that. Osama, you got any response?
OBAMA: That’s Obama. I agree very much with Senator Clinton that any discussion of her frigid tendencies is completely inappropriate in this campaign …
MICHAEL: Please! Candidates, can we keep in on the issues here? OK, I’m going to reluctantly turn over the floor to Toby here and I hope that he won’t stink up the place too badly.
TOBY: Thank you, Michael. Senator Obama, can you discuss your approach to withdrawing our troops from
OBAMA: Thank you for that intelligent question, Toby. I believe that an expeditious and orderly withdrawal of our armed forces from the situation in
MICHAEL: That’s what she said!
OBAMA: Excuse me, what did Hillary say?
MICHAEL: Wait, no, Hillary didn’t …never mind, just please keep answering Toby’s stupid question.
OBAMA: All right. As I say, I want to increase our troop footprint in
MICHAEL: Buffer? I hardly know her!
TOBY: Michael …
MICHAEL: Shut it, Toby, you’re ruining the whole debate! OK, let’s move on from the way Toby just brought the debate down …
MICHAEL: Hold on, there, Hitlery …
OBAMA: She’s right, Michael, there’s really no comparison between her and the madman behind the Third Reich. Why, her and Bill offed a lot more folks than that back in
MICHAEL: C’mon, people! Don’t let this thing degenerate. The people deserve better than this. OK, next question comes from Dwight Schrute.
DWIGHT SCHRUTE: Senator Clinton. As the top salesman for Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, I know quite a bit about dominance. I live it every day. As you probably know, males in any species of mammal can mark their territory and establish dominance by peeing on the floor. You are in no position to be able to position yourself in such a way. I would like to ask if you have plans to modify your pantsuits in a manner to allow you to squat and …
OBAMA: Lemme jump in and answer that. I don’t think any man out there wants to see that. Can I get a “Hell Yeah?”
MATTHEWS: OK, we’ve heard enough. Good night from
MICHAEL: Hang on, I’m going to do an impression as we go off the air. Lemme just get my Oriental props together …
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