Somali pirates? What freaking century is this?

By Rick Morris

The 69^th hijacking off the coast of Somalia in 2008 occurred in recent days, as chemical tankers, UN food relief ships and weapons shipments have fallen into the hands of the pirates.

Pirates?

Am I the only person to question this development at all? I understand that International Talk Like a Pirate Day has gained traction in recent years – although I am greatly saddened that I forgot about it this past September 19 – but I never thought that there would be any weirdos out there who would take it to the next level.

“Yar, matey, we be wantin’ some treasure for our plunder! If ye be wantin’ Sally Struthers’ kids to be eatin’ this beef jerky, then ye be payn’ us in gold. Belee dat!”

The problem is that these posers have satellite phones and GPS systems. I don’t remember the likes of Jack Sparrow having to resort to that!

Fortunately, our military and some other forces may get involved. In a development that should cause every buccaneer to gulp in fear, the ruthless Russkies may be combating the pirates as well.

If you want to defang these creeps once and for all, though, I’ve got the best solution: relocate them to McAfee Coliseum in Oakland. Nobody wearing an eyepatch there has been able to operate effectively for years!