Bob Barker addresses Michael Vick release

By Rick Morris

On the very day that Michael Vick was released from federal prison, Bob Barker appeared on our FDH LOUNGE Internet TV show (archives available here), and, inevitably, the subject of the nation's most famous dog-fighting criminal arose. With his long tenure as an animal rights activist, Bob, as you can imagine, had scant sympathy for Vick as he made his way back into society. We urge you to listen to the intervew at the top of the program to hear Bob discuss his fascinating life and career and his thoughts on Vick.

Live Blogging: Comedy Central’s Last Laugh ‘07

By Samantha Jones

Last Laugh '07 started off with a pretty tasteless cartoon open that touched on the following subjects....
-Senator Larry Craig
-The iPhone
-Don Imus
-George W. Bush
-George W. Bush wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights
-Dick Cheney
-Osama Bin Laden
-The Soprano's Finale
-David Hasselhoff

The whole open centered around "what's up the president's ass". It was all just one huge gross poop joke. Now, I like poop jokes as much as the next guy, but this was just bad.

Lewis Black did a little opening bit, mostly about the president. He did talk about the disabled veterans not getting their checks, which is were you get the "I can download 13 million vagina's in a minute, but they can't get their checks" joke from the promo.

Cue first commercial break.

The online pole question, "Who is the biggest failure of 2007" was posted by Lewis Black. The choices - Britney Spears, Michael Vick, President Bush, and the Soprano's Finale. My vote? All of the above.

Dave Attell was up next. His subjects of choice were the following:
-Getting older
-Dog the Bounty Hunter saying the N-word
-Michael Vick
-Al Gore receiving the Nobel Prize
-Vanessa Hudgens nude photo

After that, he went into his usual gross stuff, talking about porn and such.

I like Dave Attell. Insomniac used to be one of my favorite shows. He did have a funny moment here and there, but nothing you'll want to quote around the water cooler. This time around, he wasn't really that funny.

Cue second commercial break.

DL Hughley was up next with.....
-How much white people love dogs
-OJ Simpson
-Barry Bonds
-Chinese imports
-the N-word
-Isiah Thomas
-the Presidential race
-Alec Baldwin
-How kids are soft and weak these days
-Teachers having sex with kids
-Star Jones having gastric bypass surgery

Holy crap did he run through a lot of material. It was hard to keep up with how fast he talked. Again...nothing that funny.

Cue third commercial break.

And now, the man I was waiting for...Lewis Black...
-Global warming
-Scooter Libby
-Alberto Gonzales
-Senator Larry Craig
-Michael Vick
-OJ Simpson

They broke up his set with the fourth commercial break.

Aaaaaaand....we're back with more Lewis Black...
-The 2008 Elections, where he said we should vote for Santa
-We need one headline on the front page of the newspaper that makes you "laugh until coffee shoots out of your nose". A headline like "Hippo eats Dwarf".

Lewis Black then dedicated the show to the men and women of the armed forces in an unusual serious moment.

Fifth commercial break...

And the biggest failure was.....George W. Bush. Big surprise.

Back from break, they had podiums set up for a question and answer session. I didn't even bother writing down the questions because most of them were stupid and the answers were not funny.

I'm very disappointed in this year's Last Laugh. Previous years have been really funny, but this year was just awkward. Dave Attell was the drunk perverted guy, D.L. Hughley was the rich black guy who thinks he's still in the hood, and Lewis Black was the angry smart guy. Lewis Black was the the only person that actually made me laugh was Lewis Black. But then again, he could read the phone book and make me laugh.

Overall, the show isn't worth watching.

See you next year!

McNabb loves to play the victim

By Rick Morris

"Wah, they hate me because I'm black."

Open letter to Donovan McNabb:

Grow up, Donovan.

You specifically reference Peyton Manning and Carson Palmer not getting as much heat as you. Evidently, you don't know this, but as good as you are, they're better than you.

You didn't reference the fact that Rex Grossman plays in an equally tough QB market, but gets far more heat than you. That's because he sucks.

Are you starting to understand how this works? Quarterbacks better than you have it easier. Quarterbacks worse than you have it tougher. Pretty elementary when you think about it, right?

Now, if you want to make a point about how organizations put too much stock in the athleticism of their black quarterbacks and take it for granted that they don't have to surround them with as many weapons, you'd have an excellent point. Prior to Terrell Owens (and arguably since Donte Stallworth), you haven't have a legit #1 WR. Michael Vick never had one. Daunte Culpepper had nothing but a pile of guano to work with after Randy Moss left. It is true that organizations have, from time to time, put too much faith in the physical abilities of you and other black QBs and neglected to get you as many stud receivers. But even that isn't really a racial issue as much as teams being seduced by the "limitless potential" of mobile quarterbacks who just happen to be black most of the time.

You milked your martyrdom very effectively a few years ago when Rush Limbaugh stepped in a pile of doo-doo with his comments about black quarterbacks. A quick statement of understanding from you could have nipped that controversy in the bud, but you decided that you liked to play the prostrate victim. Enough so that you have decided to play this card again to distract from a slow start on the field.

Notwithstanding your occasional whining about how the world is out to get you, you seem to be an affable guy. You're good in the community and you legitimately seem to care about other people. So stop playing the jerk on racial issues and exacerbating existing black-white tensions in the sports world.

Ankiel revelations heartbreaking

By Rick Morris

Last month, I wrote a tribute to Rick Ankiel, the outfielder from the St. Louis Cardinals with one of this year's most inspirational stories. A phenom pitcher who fell apart suddenly and shockingly in 2000, he reinvented himself as a slugging outfielder and burst on the major league scene this summer with a second act the likes of which few of us ever see.

Now, sadly, we may know how this story materialized, and it's not the feel-good story we all perceived.

The New York Daily News reported today that Ankiel received HGH from a Florida pharmacy under federal investigation. If he committed the actions revealed in the report, and it appears strongly that he did, then he traded his soul and his integrity for a quick fix on his way back to the bigs.

To give credit where it is due, I must admit that my former SportsTalkNetwork.com colleague Nick Despones told me he was convinced Ankiel was on something illicit to help in his comeback. I laughed him off, so needless to say he texted me and called me today to rub it in that he was right.

It pains me that he probably was right, and as such, I'm not going to defend Ankiel in the same manner that hateful, race-obsessed idiots went to the mat for Michael Vick. I denounced Vick, so I denounce Ankiel if indeed what appears true is indeed true. I hope that everyone else who advocated penalties for Vick does so for Ankiel so that we can put an end to the vile lie of "You wouldn't be saying this if it was a white boy that did it."

Vick's going to snitch: I LOVE IT!

By Rick Morris

It's always insanely delicious when a blatantly guilty person is defended by hateful people purely because of the color of his skin -- and when that individual then inevitably lets his defenders down (i.e. O.J.'s acquittal being celebrated in many quarters after he played the race card at trial, only to see him turn around and resume his self-centered golfing/life of leisure lifestyle as though he had never even pretended to care about black people in the first place). The latest celebrity to hand his supporters a revolting karma sandwich is Michael Vick, who will be singing like a canary to the Feds.

First, Vick was proclaimed "innocent until proven guilty" by these bigots (listen to the Al Sharpton radio program for one day and hear the mindset being described here). Then, inevitably, when he cut his plea bargain, the "what did he really do wrong?" card was thrown down by people who would justify any crime because of the pigmentation of Vick's flesh. Now, to further save his pathetic skin, Vick is cooperating fully with federal prosecutors to go after dogfighting rings nationwide. While I personally am happy that Vick is at long last performing a public service, even though it is under supreme duress, I'm more thrilled that he's letting down the despicable supporters that he has gained. The people who have defended him throughout are the same ones to decry any form of "snitching" -- no matter that so-called "snitching" cleans up poor areas and allows the vast, vast majority of the non-criminals living there to live safer lives with predatory vermin sent to prison. So to all of the racists who think Vick should get a free pass to slaughter animals because of the color of his skin and who are now feeling betrayed by his decision to "snitch," allow me to give you a large Nelson Muntz "HA HA!"

Vick guilty -- only the stupid are surprised

By Rick Morris

For all the insipid talk that Michael Vick was "innocent until proven guilty," today he admitted the obvious when he copped his plea: he is indeed guilty of heinously murdering animals by way of operating his dog-fighting ring. The truly stupid and delusional people of this world who defiantly maintained their trust in him despite all evidence of his guilt are no doubt rationalizing that "it's only dogs we're talking about" and "the System set him up" and "he's only going to jail because his friends snitched on him."

I expressed rage on The FDH Lounge show when Vick entered what he now admitted was a lying plea of "Not Guilty." He has shown himself, by these actions and others from the past, to be a classless degenerate, so it may surprise some readers to know that I do support his conditional reinstatement to the NFL. I would like to see NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell institute a suspension from the league which would not run concurrent with Vick's prison sentence, so we may be talking a few years down the road before Vick could be reinstated. But this would allow him an opportunity to get back into the league, assuming that one of the 32 teams in the league would take the necessary public relations risk and would be willing to carve an offensive scheme to his abilities. This strikes me as the necessary balance between the harsh penalty Vick's reprehensible lifestyle deserves and the American tradition of allowing a chance for redemption.

Charles Krauthammer on baseball?

By Rick Morris

(EDITED TO FIX LINK)

For those of us used to reading Charles Krauthammer's insights on politics, the Middle East and other such matters, it was a bit unusual to see him tackling a sports subject. But it's very well-written and demonstrates a keen grasp of baseball, particularly the part about tracking a baseball in the outfield.

The subject matter of the article is none other than Rick Ankiel, the man who arguably is redeeming the sports world during this dark summer (NBA ref fixing, Michael Vick, steroid freaks in baseball getting over, Chris Benoit offing his family -- if we extend the concept of "sports" to rasslin' here). His meltdown in the 2000 National League Playoffs was shocking and sad and signaled the end of the pitching career of one of baseball's greatest young stars. So to see him make it back to the big leagues as a slugging outfielder and help his Cardinals get back into a playoff race that they have no business being a part of -- there are no words for that. Regardless of what happens from here, this might well be the greatest "Rocky" story I have ever seen in professional sports, and probably second only to the wonderful story of Jason McElwain, the autistic youngster who was team manager for his high school basketball team and scored 20 points in a shocking flurry when he got put in one time by the coach (do yourself a favor and watch the video if you've never seen it before). Ankiel's story is very uplifting and needed not only by the sports world, but America at large at a time when we are besieged by war, domestic tragedies in Minnesota and Utah and troubling markets. May Ankiel continue onward and upward and kudos to Krauthammer for doing his story justice.