Mittens, don't go away mad, just go away

By Rick Morris

Today former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney suspended his campaign for the presidency, bowing out in deference to presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain. Although I have been very tough on Mr. Romney throughout his run for the Oval Office, today is a day for positive reflection on what he brought to this country during his efforts.

Well, maybe it's a day for some people to speak positively of Mittens. But, if I may quote the great Jim Halpert, "I'm not a perfect person."

Objectively Unfit Mitt defecated on every American principle you can find during a campaign waged with all the heart and positivity of C. Montgomery Burns. Were it not for the fact that I have an obligation to deliver some FDH programming tonight to our listeners and viewers, I'd be "Slurpin' a Fody" in rapturous celebration at the burst of horror so narrowly averted by our great republic.

To see this pathetic Stepford tool take the podium at CPAC today to deliver a whimpering, Uriah Heep performance babbling about how he loves his country and his party more than himself -- well, that was truly a scene that could bring a tear to a glass eye, couldn't it?

Let nobody be fooled; today marked the first chapter in his efforts to contest the 2012 Republican nomination, which he'll be officially targeting the day after he passive-aggressively finishes off his new "friend" John McCain in November. I fear it's working -- all of the gullible fools taken in by the Flip-Flopping Fraud are shedding their own tears today about what a shame it is that this would-be titan of American history was deprived of his chance to lead this land of ungrateful peons.

Well, let those of us who stood tall at this time of peril warn you jerks one more time: try to foist Wily Willard on us again, and we'll bitch-slap you again. This poser couldn't gain any votes down South once he was exposed as "Mr. $50 Abortion Co-Pay" and if you think the pushback on his attempted coup against the right wing was vicious this time? Ya ain't seen nothin' yet, because you alienated too many decent people to ever get a pass on anything ever again. Whether it be spreading malicious and untrue rumors about Fred Thompson planning to drop out of the race right after Iowa, or cancer-mongering Fred when he got into the race, or posturing like Mike Huckabee was a religious bigot, no low was too low for this crowd. It was really funny to watch the Shameless-As-A-Clinton hypocrisy, though -- whenever they'd do anything particularly vile, they'd smirk and trot out the "politics ain't beanbag" attitude -- but they'd squeal like stuck pigs whenever anyone fought back or used clever tactics, like McCain's abdication to the Huck in West Virginia on Tuesday.

Whether John McCain wins or loses in November, there is no room for the Mitt-Bot groupies to foist their Plastic Phony on us again like they came so close to doing this time. Whether it be Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal, Mark Sanford or some other bright principled leader, somebody will emerge and marginalize Romnoid because they will legitimately be the great conservative leader he has tried so hard to fool us into thinking he is. The real deal always beats a false replica, so if he couldn't beat a John McCain despised by many elements of the Republican Party? Say goodnight, Irene.

And now The Trust Fund Baby will finally stop spending his kids' inheritance, so they can do something with the gazillions of dollars that keep getting passed down in that creepy little clan. Here's hoping that whatever they do with it, that it doesn't end up as injurious to the U.S. of A. as what their old man had planned.