Pa. Prez Debate – moderated by Michael Scott?

By Rick Morris

The following is a transcript of the Democratic presidential debate from the state of Pennsylvania, dated Thursday, April 17, 2008.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Good evening and welcome to this special edition of HARDBALL. We are taping a presidential debate here this afternoon from the University of Scranton in Scranton, Pennsylvania with the two remaining Democratic contenders, Senator Hillary Clinton of New York and Senator Barack Obama of Illinois. The man chosen by the Pennsylvania Democratic Party to host this afternoon’s debate is, along with his employees, the subject of a forthcoming documentary about office life in America. His name is Michael Scott and he is the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton. He will be putting the questions to the candidates along with two of his employees. Mr. Scott, you have the floor.

MICHAEL SCOTT: Thank you, Chris. Somehow, you seemed funnier and more entertaining on TV. I am honored to be here this afternoon so that my wonderful ability to MC can help illuminate the choice in this election for my fellow citizens. I regret that my two most trusted assistants in the office, Jim and Pam, could not join me today. They insisted about the supply closet being long overdue for reorganization. I’m not quite sure why Jim was making air quotes when he said that or why Pam smirked a little bit as he did or why Kevin ended up outside the door giggling after they went in. I guess we’ll never know the answer to those questions. But I will get the candidates to answer my questions here today, along with the two people I have here with me instead of Jim and Pam, the ones I really wanted. Dwight Schrute is the top salesman at our branch and Toby Flenderson is a brainless jerk in our HR department who is only here because the stupid people in our country apparently deserve a voice also.

TOBY FLENDERSON: Please, Michael …

MICHAEL: Shut it, Toby, nobody cares about you. OK, my first question is for Senator Osama. Now, Senator …

SENATOR OBAMA: Uh, that’s Obama, not Osama …

MICHAEL: Uh, excuse me, I’m speaking here.

OBAMA: But you got my name wrong!

MICHAEL: Details, details. Save it for your answer. Now, Senator, you have really turned your image around. I see all these young people clamoring for a chance to support you and you’re the hottest thing since my routine last time on open mic night. But really, Senator Osama, do you really think people’s memories are that short? I mean, it was a good move to lose the beard and the turban and the “America must die” stuff, but can you really get elected president after being responsible for 9/11?

OBAMA: I am not Osama bin Laden! My name is Barack Obama. I had NOTHING! TO! DO! with 9/11!

MICHAEL: Uh huh, likely story. Just another politician dodging accountability. Senator Clinton, your response?

HILLARY CLINTON: Well, Michael, I can tell you that my campaign is not responsible for any implication that Senator Obama masterminded 9/11, those flyers in Ohio notwithstanding. But I want to pose the question: can we take the risk that he was responsible for 9/11?

OBAMA: That’s outrageous! Senator Clinton, I demand an immediate apology and a …

CLINTON: Ah, cram it, Hussein.

MICHAEL: Candidates, please! You’re not doing anything to elevate the level of discourse here! Let’s move along, I’ll take the next question. Now, Senator Hillary Rodman Clinton …

CLINTON: That’s Hillary Rodham Clinton.

MICHAEL: Exactly. Now, I look at you, the cool, collected professional woman in your tailored corporate pantsuits and I’ve gotta tell you, it’s very reminiscent of my girlfriend – eh, let’s call it like it is, my live-in lover Jan Levinson. Now, she rocks the whole powerful businesswoman look, but she is a tomcat in the bedroom. I mean, insatiable. Now Senator …

CLINTON: This is inappropriate!

MICHAEL: You haven’t heard the question yet! Talk about prejudging! So much for open-mindedness. Senator, is the same true of you? Are you a hellion underneath your polished professional look, and if so, why’s Bill constantly roaming the country looking for some strange?

CLINTON: This is sexist and insulting and …

MICHAEL: Blah, blah, blah. I gotta tell ya, you’re not helping your ice queen image much with your uptight response. Here I lob you a softball, give you a chance to talk about using cherry-flavored massage oil or whatever you like to use to get freaky and you get all weird on me!

CLINTON: and degrading to women and …

MICHAEL: OK, we see where you’re going with that. Osama, you got any response?

OBAMA: That’s Obama. I agree very much with Senator Clinton that any discussion of her frigid tendencies is completely inappropriate in this campaign …

CLINTON: You’ll pay for that, you filthy crackhead!

MICHAEL: Please! Candidates, can we keep in on the issues here? OK, I’m going to reluctantly turn over the floor to Toby here and I hope that he won’t stink up the place too badly.

TOBY: Thank you, Michael. Senator Obama, can you discuss your approach to withdrawing our troops from Iraq when you take office?

OBAMA: Thank you for that intelligent question, Toby. I believe that an expeditious and orderly withdrawal of our armed forces from the situation in Iraq will be imperative when I take office. I’d like to redeploy some forces to Afghanistan so that our response to Taliban attacks can be in the necessary manner, swift and sharp …

MICHAEL: That’s what she said!

OBAMA: Excuse me, what did Hillary say?

CLINTON: I didn’t say anything there Osama! Are you having a delayed reaction to all the drugs you used to take?

MICHAEL: Wait, no, Hillary didn’t …never mind, just please keep answering Toby’s stupid question.

OBAMA: All right. As I say, I want to increase our troop footprint in Afghanistan, creating a buffer …

MICHAEL: Buffer? I hardly know her!

TOBY: Michael …

MICHAEL: Shut it, Toby, you’re ruining the whole debate! OK, let’s move on from the way Toby just brought the debate down …

CLINTON: But I didn’t get a chance to respond!

MICHAEL: Hold on, there, Hitlery …

CLINTON: How dare you call me that!

OBAMA: She’s right, Michael, there’s really no comparison between her and the madman behind the Third Reich. Why, her and Bill offed a lot more folks than that back in Arkansas. I saw THE CLINTON CHRONICLES, you know!

CLINTON: You piece of sh …

MICHAEL: C’mon, people! Don’t let this thing degenerate. The people deserve better than this. OK, next question comes from Dwight Schrute.

DWIGHT SCHRUTE: Senator Clinton. As the top salesman for Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, I know quite a bit about dominance. I live it every day. As you probably know, males in any species of mammal can mark their territory and establish dominance by peeing on the floor. You are in no position to be able to position yourself in such a way. I would like to ask if you have plans to modify your pantsuits in a manner to allow you to squat and …

CLINTON: This is the most reprehensible, sexist …

OBAMA: Lemme jump in and answer that. I don’t think any man out there wants to see that. Can I get a “Hell Yeah?”

MATTHEWS: OK, we’ve heard enough. Good night from Scranton.

MICHAEL: Hang on, I’m going to do an impression as we go off the air. Lemme just get my Oriental props together …

80th Annual Academy Awards

by The Joneses

First and foremost, it takes a unique individual to stomach every detail of the Academy. For instance, it is our belief that there should be a threshold of box office earnings that would qualify a movie for consideration. This way, you, me, everyone would at least be familiar with the movies being nominated. Have you seen Atonement? Or La Vie En Rose? Into The Wild? Or I’m Not There? Didn’t think so. The biggest issue we have with the Oscars is that it doesn’t award movies that anyone gives a s*** about. If we cared about Atonement, the box office number would be drastically larger. That is our vote, paying to see the movie. Take for example, 300, Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, or Knocked Up. These are four movies that are extremely entertaining, and we saw each of them multiple times at the theater. If no one aside from the Academy members went to see it, it clearly was not worthy of the viewing public’s time, and thus, is not worthy of a nomination for the industry’s greatest honor. We will attempt to navigate through the night’s categories, nominees, winners, and losers. We will also be giving our own editorial commentary on the validity or correctness of the results. Note to reader: Not all categories deserve your attention, so we will save you the time and conveniently omit them.

Jason in Blue

Samm in Red

Costume Design-Presented by Jennifer Garner

Across The Universe

Atonement

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Aside from the fact that I believe Jennifer Garner is a tool and puts a damper on this category just by reading it, Elizabeth: The Golden Age is probably worthy of this award. Just look at Cate Blanchett’s dress whites as queen. One could make the argument that they deserve this particular Oscar on that outfit alone. To be honest, I was pulling for Across the Universe. Since it is the movie I have most recently seen, and I also sing its praises…it was the nominee that had my rooting interest.

First off, Jennifer Garner has a man face. At least she tried to cover it up with her hair. Now, I have only seen one of the three nominees. But, just from the previews, this was a great pick. Just the beading alone on the costumes is Oscar worthy. And, like Jason mentioned above, Across the Universe is the movie we have most recently watched and enjoyed, so naturally, we were both rooting for it. The designers needed to come up with new ideas, not just copy things from history books. It’s not that hard to copy a 1940’s army uniform. My mother could do it. Oh yeah, and if you win the Oscar for Best Costume Design, shouldn’t you know how to dress yourself? Who dressed these people tonight?

Best Animated Feature Film-Presented by Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway

Persepolis

Ratatouille

Surf’s Up

Having these two presenters coming out to the Get Smart theme (foreshadowing one of the summer’s big blockbusters) was great. Steve Carell began as if it thought he was presenting Best Documentary-Classic Michael Scott. For anyone who has children of almost any age or enjoys animated movies and hasn’t seen this film…you should be ashamed of yourself. Especially if you have kids, go out and buy this for them now…if not yourself. Patten Oswalt as a gifted young cook/mouse is priceless. Animated films are not meant for all adults, but this one works. I used it as a “date movie”, suck it!

I LOVE Steve Carell. He could read the phone book and make it funny. Ratatouille is the obvious pick for this category. How dare anyone defy the almighty Pixar! They shall smite you! Besides, it’s one of my favorite movies of the year. Seeing a cute, innocent mouse voiced by a swearing atheist like Patton Oswalt is just…..well, as Jason put it…..priceless. Patton Oswalt is one of my favorite comedians and I love that he can put aside the adult material and bow down to Mickey Mouse. It made for a great kids movie that adults could enjoy as well. Yes, Jason used it as a date movie…..and yes, he got some for it.

Best Achievement in Makeup-Presented by the stunning Katherine Heigl

La Vie En Rose

Norbit

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Katherine Heigl is attractive, but in presenting this award she was GOOD GOD…you can fill in the rest. This is generally a category I don’t really care about. Unless it goes to the wrong nominee. Like instant replay, it is important to get the correct result. Norbit is a no-brainer, with its latex and hours in the makeup chair-so throw it out. With what’s left, La Vie En Rose-replicate a previous era (something that resembles the 1940’s in France) or create an entire world filled with thousands of Pirates, Colonial Soldiers, witch craft women, etc. Which one sounds more impressive? That’s right, the one that did not win. Remember, especially for this post, “the right team doesn’t always win”.

Katherine Heigl – one of MY picks for the “I’d Hit That Draft”. I call shenanigans on this one. Le Vie En Rose – Never heard of it, so it shouldn’t count. Hell, just the makeup on Geoffrey Rush beat out BOTH of the other nominees. I mean come on. Making a guy as smoking hot as Johnny Depp look that nasty (but still hot, somehow) takes some serious skill. French movie – wrong, Pirates – right.

Best Visual Effects-Presented by Duane “the Rock” Johnson

The Golden Compass

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Transformers

The Rock had a bit about how the Visual Effects from Raiders of the Lost Ark gave him nightmares as a kid. Very funny. What’s not SO F***ING FUNNY, is how arguably the best action/childhood adaptation movie of a generation did not get the nod here. Look, I’ve seen two of the three nominees upwards of 15 times. The third only once. Golden Compass is a good movie. Visually, I get it, 80% of the movie is shot on a green screen so that the CG guys can fill in the rest. But creating green screen polar bears and flying machines pale in comparison to creating OPTIMUS PRIME!!! Or MEGATRON OR BUMBLE BEE OR RATCHET OR STARSCREAM OR I COULD GO ON…do you get the picture? A truck transforms into a robot with a ga-gillion moving parts. But, once again the academy gets it wrong and gives it to the movie with green-screened Polar Bears.

The Rock – I love that he can make fun of himself. This category was hard for me. I’m torn between the Pirates and the Transformers. The Golden Compass…yes, good movie (crappy ending, though), nice green screening, bonus points for casting The Marlboro Man. But, it’s just green screen. Transformers used REAL explosions that actually put the actors in real danger. The scene in the desert with the scorpion-looking thing where they’re all running in slow motion – that’s real terror on their face because if they fall, an explosive could go off in their face. With Pirates, there was SO MUCH CG work in it. Creating the maelstrom, the ships, and even Davey Jones himself. The poor guy had to play the role, pretending that he had tentacles on his face. They had to make up a new way to film him to be able to create the character visually. Academy gets it wrong and looses another point.

Best Art Direction-Presented by Cate Blanchett

American Gangster

Atonement

The Golden Compass

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

There Will Be Blood

There is a certain and very specific glow, sound, and cheer that comes over Mrs. Jones when she realizes that someone has adapted any Broadway musical into a feature-length film. It is no secret that I believe that full-on song and dance in movies distracts from said movie. Mrs. Jones believes almost the exact absolute value in the other direction. However, we both agree, this movie is GREAT. Like any other Tim Burton movie, there seems to be a darkness to the movie (which really has no bearing here, but) art direction was imperative to the success of this adaptation.

FINALLY! The Academy got one right. I absolutely LOVE the fact that the movie musical is making a comeback. I also love that we are finding out that many of these actors and actresses can really belt it out. Johnny Depp was an obvious choice for this…who else could play an Edward Scissorhands meets Jack Sparrow other than the man who brought both characters to life? Anyway, back on the subject…Sweeney Todd needed a certain darkness about it. It’s a VERY dark musical. The way it was designed and shot really got the point across to me. Bravo. Can’t wait for the movie adaptation of Jekyll and Hyde (just as long as David Hasselhoff does NOT reprise his role as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I’ll take Johnny Depp again, please!).

Best Supporting Actor-Presented by Jennifer Hudson

Casey Affleck (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford)

Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men)

Philip Seymour Hoffman (Charlie Wilson’s War)

Hal Halbrook (Into the Wild)

Tom Wilkinson (Michael Clayton)

One note on fashion. Jennifer Hudson looked like a burrito left in the microwave too long. Certain people weren’t meant to be stuffed into certain garments. In a nutshell, if there is ever a “Supporting Actor” award and Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the building, he gets it…period. P.S. Hoffman is the quintessential supporting actor. This has been true since Scent of a Woman. Casey Affleck also looked convincing. No disrespect to Javier Bardem, but his role just wasn’t all that demanding.

Jennifer, honey, we’re bigger girls. We need to wear whole dresses. Cutouts are not for everyone. Javier Bardem is a good looking man if you like that whole rugged, Spanish thing he’s got going. I always like Casey Affleck (I actually like him better than his brother). Tom Wilkinson has a great line in Michael Clayton (I am Shiva the God of Death!). Javier Bardem is wrong, Philip Seymour Hoffman is right. Next.

Best Supporting Actress-Presented by Alan Arkin

Cate Blanchett (I’m Not There)

Ruby Dee (American Gangster)

Sarah Sheronin (Atonement)

Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone)

Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton)

Clearly, Alan Arkin only has one meter of speaking-boring. When Cate Blanchett is not dressed for a part in a movie, she’s actually nice on the eyes. Ruby Dee is only in American Gangster for a short while. Atonement sucked something awful and all involved should offer to give the patrons their money back. Still haven’t seen Gone Baby Gone. With the exception of Atonement, any of the other 3 would be better than seeing Tilda Swinton. If someone walked by and said, “you look nice today” on any day…let God strike them down immediately. Whoa! She’s bad, and not really a stellar actress to boot.

I really couldn’t care less about anyone in this category. Cate Blanchett is a leading lady, not freaking Bob Dylan (who is probably one of the most BORING singer/singwriters ever. He’s so overrated). From what I saw of Ruby Dee, I probably would have gone with her. Tilda Swinton was only good as Gabriel in Constantine. And what in the ever-loving hell was she wearing? I looked like someone just draped some velour over her and said “It’s gorgeous! You’re ready!”…Kill me. This category sucked. Next, please.

Best Adapted Screenplay-Josh Brolin and James McAvoy

Atonement

Away From Her

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

No Country For Old Men

There Will Be Blood

“With My Brains And Your Looks, We Could Go Places”, that was Josh Brolin’s Jack impression. Which he immediately apologized to Jack for and offered to buy him a drink for making him suffer through the worst Jack Nicholson impression ever. I really have no particular rooting interest in this one, as long as Atonement doesn’t win. I am so tired of the boring sappy and strictly made for the academy movies…so F*** ‘EM.

Josh Brolin – boring, James McAvoy – hot as hell. I’m a sucker for anyone with an accent. As for the category – don’t care. Next.

Best Actress In A Leading Role – Presented By Forest Whitaker

Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth: The Golden Age)

Julie Christy (Away From Her)

Marion Cotillard (Le Vie En Rose)

Laura Linney (Savages)

Ellen Page (Juno)

Dear the Academy, F*** YOU!!!! Why is it that the Academy often are taken by movies that are, for a lack of a more descriptive word, SH***Y. There is a clear cut #1 option for this award, and even a clear #2. After that, its all garbage and can get thrown out with last night compost. The winner should have been Ellen Page by a landslide. I would have accepted Cate Blanchett. Blanchett’s role as Queen Elizabeth is a career defining one. If you haven’t seen JUNO, then you just don’t understand. Ellen Page was BRILLIANT. It wasn’t just some girl playing some pregnant girl.

I mainly like two kinds of movies – huge, epic movies and funny movies with snarky, quotable lines. But, the academy sees this differently. I mean, why should movies be entertaining? Why should we honor the movies that make us happy and feel good? We can’t because the academy likes to be depressed. I would have preferred Ellen Page to win this one because she is absolutely adorable, a fantastic actress, and if they were to make a movie about my life, I would want someone as cute as her to play me. But, I thought Cate Blanchett had this one. With lines the likes of “I, too, can command the winds, sir! I have a hurricane in me that will strip Spain bare if you dare to try me!”, how could she lose? (I’m a sucker for epic yelling). But, NOOOOO….we had to have the boring French chick. Pile. Of. Suck.

Best Song – Presented by John Travolta

Falling Slowly (Once)

Happy Working Song (Enchanted)

Raise It Up (August Rush)

So Close (Enchanted)

How Do You Know (Enchanted)

What can I say, it’s not The Final Countdown, so I couldn’t give a S***.

This category was like when Elton John wrote all those Disney songs. It’s just unfair. Raise It Up SHOULD have won, but the academy always has to go with the weird indy type things. F them. And where was my Hairspray nominations? You Can’t Stop The Beat, Good Morning Baltimore, and Run and Tell That would SMITE all these other songs. Shenanigans! Shenanigans, I say!

Best Original Score – Presented by Amy Adams (she’s from Castle Rock, Colorado! Woo!)

Atonement

The Kite Runner

Michael Clayton

Ratatouille

3:10 To Yuma

Generally, again, I don’t care about this. Unless there is a movie nominated that uses the score to reinforce the details of the movie. I did not gather that with these nominees. I could almost suggest 3:10 to Yuma or Michael Clayton. As much as I love Ratatouille, I am not pressed to push it and it’s score. So, whatever, no sweat off my back either way.

We ALMOST made it through the whole show without Atonement winning an Oscar. No such luck. I was pushing for Ratatouille, but then again I’m biased towards Pixar. Suckage. Next

Best Original Screenplay – Presented by Harrison Ford

Juno

Lars and the Real Girl

Michael Clayton

Ratatouille

Savages

For vintage Harrison Ford fans, his entrance to the Indiana Jones Theme song was not coincidental. If you haven’t heard a fourth Indiana Jones movie is set to run in theaters this summer. On the surface, Juno may seem like just some random comedy that could have been cast by the Steve Carell/Seth Rogan crews. It's much more than that, very witty and smart. The greatness of the movie is found in the unique delivery by most of the actors combined with the “what” that they are saying. It is also an interesting story that the screenwriter not that long ago was a stripper. Juno was most likely her first legitimate break. Can’t wait to see what “Diablo Cody” has in store for us in the future.

HOORAY FOR JUNO! God, I love the snarky-ness of it all. The way that Juno and her friend talk on the phone was UNCANNY to the way one of my best friends and I talk. Yes. People actually talk like that. And I love it. I also love that the lady’s name is Diablo Cody. My friend’s boyfriend’s name is Cody. I think he’ll be getting a new nickname in the future.

Best Actor In A Leading Role – Presented by Helen Mirren

George Clooney (Michael Clayton)

Daniel Day Lewis (There Will Be Blood)

Johnny Depp (Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)

Tommy Lee Jones (In The Valley Of Ella)

Viggo Mortensen (Eastern Promises)

This is the closest to a hard category to decide. Viggo Mortensen plays a very convincing Russian mob member complete with omitting articles from his English translation. Tommy Lee is great, but like Denzel Washington, he is always Tommy Lee Jones in every role he takes on. Johnny Depp was the S***! He was absolutely the only actor who could have pulled this off. Furthermore, it is my belief that when you compare his entire body of work, focusing on his range (Crybaby, Secret Window, Edward Scissorhands, Pirates of the Caribbean), Johnny Depp is the best actor of the current generation at the very least. George Clooney is George Clooney. Daniel Day Lewis is awesome when he plays a character that is required to yell and get animated. The funny thing is, his characters and his real life voice are polar opposites. He should speak in his acting voice.

I am completely biased towards Johnny Depp. It takes a lot of balls to get up in front of people and sing. Viggo Mortensen had an extremely convincing Russian accent (the man could act his way out of ANYTHING), but it went to Daniel Day-Lewis. I really am not that big of a fan, but I guess this is okay. I would have preferred my EdwardJack ScissorSparrow, but the academy thought differently.

Best Director-Presented by Martin Scorcese

Julian Schnabel (The Diving Bell and The Butterfly)

Jason Reitman (Juno)

Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton)

The Coen Brothers (No Country For Old Men)

Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood)

I really want to say Jason Reitman for Juno. Almost more for Reitman than Juno. Juno is a great flick. However, for the award of direction, I think it would have to go to There Will Be Blood. No Country for Old Men is a good movie, but I think more was achieved in There Will Be Blood.

I was pushing for Juno throughout the entire show, but I also like the Coen Brothers. Good on them.

Best Picture – Presented by Denzel Washington

Atonement

Juno

Michael Clayton

No Country For Old Men

There Will Be Blood

Atonement is a joke. It is a movie that was specifically made to tickle the fancies of the Academy. Juno is a GREAT movie. Juno is a complete movie that runs the emotional gamut. Great acting, plot, development, etc. Michael Clayton is good, but it's still just a decent lawyer flick starring George Clooney. No Country for Old Men was even better than Michael Clayton, but I don’t know. There Will Be Blood is a small movie with big acting. Point being, there are no Shawshank Redemptions, Forrest Gumps, Schindler’s Lists. There is no real true Best Picture Nominee, so I go with Juno just to shake things up a bit. If our grossing minimum idea was applied, this would be populated by Transformers, Knocked Up, 300, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, and Juno. So there it is, like most presidential elections best of the evils…JUNO.

I really need to actually see There Will Be Blood. It’s a Miramax film, so I’m bound to like it. And I always enjoy the Coen Brothers. Again, I would have liked to see Juno win, but fun movies never win. How dare we have fun at the movies. Poo on them! I can’t wait to see what next year’s Oscars disappoint us with. Down with boring “deep” movies! I want to be entertained, not given a history lesson! Go Juno!

The Office Season 3 DVD: you must own it!

By Rick Morris

On Tuesday, the Season Three DVD for the American version of The Office was released. Regular listeners to The FDH Lounge have heard me single out the show as my favorite of all time, so needless to say, I obtained my copy promptly and now have all three seasons of this brilliant show on DVD. My set came from Best Buy and I recommend it highly; in addition to the four-disc set, you also receive your own “Dundee” award, a “greeting letter” from Michael Scott to the new arrivals from Stamford and a mini-bobblehead doll of Dwight Schrute based on the one shown on his desk on the program.

The DVD has the usual array of goodies one might expect, from videos, bloopers and many deleted scenes to commentaries by cast members, writers and producers. Wisely, the program caters strongly to its very hardcore fanbase, as few programs on television make more money from downloaded episodes and DVDs. It’s a program that rewards those who watch it closely, as there are so many subtle moments of great writing and sidesplitting comedy. For the sake of those of you not yet acquainted with the greatness of the program, I’m going to provide some background and then outline the third season for you.

Based on the BBC version, which many misguided souls have held up as superior to this one, The Office takes place at the Scranton, PA office of Dunder-Mifflin, a mid-sized regional paper supply company. As with the British version, the concept is that of a show-within-a-show, as it is not a standard sitcom filmed in front of a live audience or with a laugh track. It is a fake documentary, as the characters on the show are followed around the office, and some events outside the office, by a film crew gaining material for a future series. The camera shots we see on the program are the ones used by the “documentary crew,” and one of the main characters, Jim Halpert, is notorious for his mugging for the cameras.

Seasons One and Two of the program followed much the same overall concept, as Season One only consisted of six episodes and was essentially on a tryout basis by NBC. During those seasons, we were treated to the exploits at Dunder-Mifflin as the characters coped with the mundane office life being punctuated by the over-the-top antics of their wacky boss Michael Scott and his annoying kiss-up sidekick Dwight Schrute.

The heart of the show came from salesman Jim Halpert and receptionist Pam Beesley, close friends who provided a rare normal perspective to the office and who were usually the only two able to be able reach the childlike Michael when he went too far. They also enlivened and set the comedic tone in the office with constant pranking of the hapless Dwight. Pam was engaged to Roy, a stereotypical blue-collar meathead in the Dunder-Mifflin warehouse downstairs, much to the consternation of Jim. Although they never crossed any physical lines, Pam and Jim had a very deep connection, about which he was acutely aware and she stayed firmly in denial. Jim rarely pushed matters with Pam, fearful that he would lose what he had with her and confident that time was on his side as Pam seethed through an eternal engagement and Roy’s obliviousness to what she wanted. But, midway through Season Two on the “Booze Cruise,” a drunken Roy impulsively set a wedding date just as Jim was about to overcome his fears and try to win Pam away. The rest of the season was a brutal period for Jim as he tried and failed to be content dating other women and reached a boiling point with the final episode, “Casino Night.” After a company gambling fundraiser, Jim secretly agreed to accept a transfer to Stamford and made an impromptu decision to pour his heart out to Pam before he left. The final ten minutes of the show were among the most painful that I have ever seen, as a shocked Pam initially rejected Jim before he made one last surprise attempt a short while later as the cameras faded to black.

This set the stage for what will go down in the history of the show as a transformational one, as the main subplot of Jim and Pam took the long, winding path to initial completion. Season Three starts with “Gay Witch Hunt,” an episode in which a characteristically socially inept Michael inadvertently outs Oscar from accounting. After a flashback is shown, the viewers are told that Pam reluctantly stuck to her rejection of Jim, but called off her wedding shortly thereafter. Without her saying so, it’s made firmly clear that Jim was the reason she did so – but he took the job in Stamford and she was afraid to call him, sure that he hated or at least resented her. This set the tone for Season Three being the one with “the shoe on the other foot,” as Pam was now forced to pine from a distance and learn what Jim had endured for three years. A heartbroken Jim, trying to put a good face on the situation, cited his promotion as the reason he moved to Stamford with his clear motives very transparent.

The first quarter of the season took place with scenes in both the Scranton and Stamford offices, an awkward premise that the writers characteristically made work in a flawless manner. We were introduced to new characters in Stamford: Josh (the apparently flawless boss and a welcome grown-up counterpoint to Michael), Andy (annoying socially awkward frat boy wanna-be from Cornell) and Karen (very attractive and sharp-witted saleswoman seated behind Jim’s desk). During this part of the season, Jim and Karen started to become friendly, a development with consequences for the rest of the season.

In November, following the obligatory sweeps month arc, the long-awaited decision about which of the two branches would be closed was reached. Initially, Scranton was to be closed, a decision which viewers were led to believe was due in part to animosity from the boss, Jan Levinson, when Michael stopped pursuing her. But then Josh, in a classic double-cross out of nowhere, leveraged his new status as Northeast Regional Uber-Boss to obtain a choice management position at Staples and the company was forced to change course and consolidate Stamford with the Scranton office. Jan offered Jim yet another promotion as #2 in the enlarged Scranton office if he would go back, but he didn’t accept until the seeds were planted in his mind that Karen’s evident affection for him could be useful. She would serve for the rest of the season as his “Pam-shield.”

“The Merger” was one of the most hilarious culture-clash episodes in the history of television, as the employees from the professionally-operated Stamford office were forced to confront the lunacy of life under Michael Scott. At the same time, a hopeful Pam, who believed she had been delivered a second chance with Jim out of nowhere, found his return highly unsatisfactory as she came to believe he had moved on with Karen. This event also set the tone for the rest of the season as Pam believed everything was too late with Jim and Jim clung to Karen like a life preserver because he believed that Pam was only interested in him as a friend.

Pam’s desperation mounted throughout the season, especially after a false alarm when she and Jim pulled a great prank on Andy and their celebration seemed to foreshadow a conversation that would allow them to get on the same page. But a newly clingy and assertive Karen, by now aware of Jim and Pam’s past connection, was able to reel Jim back in as his fear of rejection by Pam kept him from taking another chance. Pam’s downward spiral was made complete during “Phyllis’ Wedding,” when her anger over co-worker Phyllis’ theft of all of her abandoned wedding ideas collided with her loneliness and despair over watching an apparently happy Jim and Karen and led her to leave the wedding with Roy. The look of devastation on Jim’s face when he saw Pam leave with Roy (right after a cameraman posed a “hypothetical” question to him about if Pam were interested in him and he gave a transparently thrilled response) was completely reminiscent of “Casino Night,” and was the result of some great writing. At the time, though, I found the episode so disturbing as to make the apparent story arc ridiculous, as I stated on The FDH Lounge program that the writers had probably crossed the line by making Pam completely unsympathetic by her reaction and that most guys would have probably just written her off at that point. But the writers were, as usual, one step ahead of the fanbase and presented the rest of the season in a very believable fashion.

All season long, Roy had been trying to prove that he was a changed man and somebody who would appreciate Pam if he had another chance. From the start of their short-lived reunion, however, viewers could see that he was incapable of doing much more than faking that kind of evolution. Also during this period, Pam overheard some friends characterize her as lacking in honesty and courage, which made her decision to settle for Roy that much tougher to swallow. Their final breakup came when Pam, trying to make the best of a fresh start with Roy if she couldn’t have Jim, told him about “Casino Night” and that she had kissed Jim and had feelings for him. An enraged Roy trashed the bar they were sitting in as a troubled Pam left him for good – and the final shot of the show was of Roy vowing to kill Jim Halpert. Thus ensued a mini-cliffhanger, as The Office was in reruns for six weeks after the February sweeps. The situation resolved itself when Roy walked up to the office and charged at Jim. The heavy subject matter was characteristically dealt with in The Office’s humorous fashion as unlikely hero Dwight pepper-sprayed Roy before he could get to Jim. A bitter Jim, who had pretty much avoided Pam during her reunion with Roy, blew off her heartfelt apology for Roy’s attempted attack and her vow that she would never get back together with Roy during another hugely compelling scene.

This set the stage for the final arc of the season, as Pam watched Jim settle into life with Karen. While it was apparent that Karen was calling many of the shots in the relationship, Pam had no reason to believe that Jim was that dissatisfied with matters. In the season’s penultimate episode “Beach Games,” Pam was pushed so far by Michael’s usual bad behavior and the stronger-than-ever evidence that Jim really had moved on that she took the opportunity to walk over coals (an activity that Michael had arranged for the group) to prove to herself that she did have courage – and then, hopped up on adrenaline, she proved her honesty by confronting Jim in front of everyone and telling him that he was the reason she called off her wedding. Inhibited by Karen’s presence, she did not make a completely blatant play for him, instead telling him that she missed having fun with him like she used to, but everyone in the office was able to read between the lines, even, at long last, Jim.

In the final episode of the season, “The Job,” Michael, Jim and Karen all interviewed for a position at the corporate office in New York. Jim was forced to confront the fact that he had a choice: stay with Karen and move to New York with her (a development which the more-threatened-than-ever Karen insisted upon regardless of who got the job) or go back to Scranton and take the opportunity he always wanted with Pam. A subtle long-distance nudge from Pam, which was a callback to “Office Olympics” in Season Two, helped push Jim in the right direction as he ended the episode by driving back to Scranton after dumping Karen and making a dinner date with Pam.

It’s worth noting that most of my friends who watch The Office to any degree profess to identify greatly with Jim. It’s easy, and very self-flattering to do so on the surface. He’s a great guy, generally kind to other people and very loyal to his own (after Josh backstabbed the Stamford office at the very end, a disillusioned Jim, who had looked up to Josh, said it very well: “Say what you will about Michael Scott, he would never do anything like that.”). Women generally find him attractive, notwithstanding his unmade-bed hair and a somewhat bulbous nose and he’s always the most clever and funny guy in the room with his constant pranks. He also uses his humor to subtly deflate others when warranted. But I would say that a great many of us men are like Jim in the ways we are happy about as well as those we might prefer to forget. His long period of pining after an unavailable woman, coupled with his insecurities, indecision and worries about how to balance his desire for what he wants with what has remained of his dignity all hit home to many men.

The writing of the Jim and Pam characters is so believable that The Office is the only show I’ve ever watched where I personally identified with the plight of the characters and felt that it was completely lifelike. I never bought into the Ross-and-Rachel saga of “Friends,” nor any other cartoonish Hollywood attempt to capture the minefield of interpersonal relationships. As a writer, I strongly believe that that is the single most difficult aspect of life to capture accurately in any fictional setting. But the unparalleled crew of The Office carries this off in a way that looks effortless. Perhaps the greatest example of this came on “Casino Night,” when it became apparent to Pam that Jim was going to force once and for all the issue that had been just under the surface for so long. Fearful of the ramifications of ending a relationship with her live-in fiancée that had been ongoing since high school with her wedding day looming, Pam panicked and gave Jim the answer that neither she nor Jim really wanted to come out of her mouth – but the writing here was key. She said, “I’m sorry you misinterpreted our friendship.” Most guys can tell you the effect that the words “misinterpret” and “friendship” have when a man tries to make a move on a female friend. They force you to change everything you thought you knew about what was developing – and that’s what happened to Jim in Season Three. No matter how obvious Pam’s interest in Jim was to the viewers, until he heard that he had not misinterpreted anything, he could not feel free to put himself on the line for Pam again. This almost universal sense of identification that men can feel with the position Jim found himself in this past season is a big reason for the show’s success.

For that matter, many women can relate to Pam as well. Although not at all a stylish dresser and an introverted person with some apparent self-esteem issues, Pam is an attractive woman in a low-key way with a great sense of humor. The show accurately captures what ten years of a steadily failing relationship with her only real previous love interest could do to the psyche of such a person and it explains completely why Pam couldn’t summon the courage to take on the beautiful and flashy Karen until the end of the season.

But the Jim-and-Pam subplot of the show is not even close to being the only evidence of the show’s greatness. The comedy is constant, with many references so subtle that they are only detectible after numerous viewings (which helps explain why the show is among the most downloaded on television). This type of humor comes in equal parts from the dry humor of some of the characters, especially some less-prominent ones, as well as silent comedy from a variety of reaction looks directed at the documentary cameras. Pam is a huge and valuable part of the subtle humor of the show. As the lowest-ranking person in an office where people don’t hesitate to throw their weight around, she has to suffer a spate of job-related indignities as well as inappropriate appreciative comments from Michael and occasionally Kevin about her breasts. The resulting soft-spoken passive-aggressive utterances that come from her and similar subtle put-upon glances at the camera, are comedy gold and hopefully will remain a part of the show even as this character gains in confidence and maturity. Fittingly, the other character who delivers subtle humor week in and week out is Jim, whose constantly bemused glances at the camera communicate a vital part of the narrative.

But if you love broad, insane comedy, The Office has that as well. The insane reign over the office of Michael Scott provides numerous belly laughs each week. Having been warped by a strange mother in his formative years, he never outgrew his childlook outlook on life and is obsessed with being everyone’s friend (except Toby; more about that below). He wants to be adored by all and fancies himself a top-flight entertainer and comedian when in fact he is funny in a laughing-at-you-not-with-you way. While he is too consumed with being liked and a bit too lazy to be a good boss, he is also an excellent salesman and is able to keep his job by summoning this skill at critical and unexpected moments. During the course of Season Three, he concluded a disastrous relationship with his real estate agent and found himself in a dysfunctional on-again, off-again relationship with his erstwhile boss, Jan. Having gotten herself fired at the end of the season right after she got a breast enlargement to win Michael back, Jan ended up moving in with him – the logical culmination to a season in which this apparently normal but tightly-wound character completely disintegrated under the strain of her inexplicable attraction to Michael. Jan’s replacement at the end of Season Three: the former temp and unsuccessful salesman Ryan, who leapfrogged all other contenders on the strength of his newly secured MBA. He leaves behind in Scranton his screechy and annoying girlfriend Kelly Kapoor (who he had only been using for sex) and also Michael, who’s comical but intense “man-crush” on the long-suffering Ryan has been a point of emphasis for most of the show’s history.

Most of the show’s other over-the-top comedy comes from the man constantly brown-nosing Michael, beet farmer and ace salesman Dwight K. Schrute. During Season Three, Dwight has his usual array of outrageous moments in his capacity as a “Legend-In-His-Own-Mind-Would-Be-Authority-Figure,” but he is also humanized at some key junctures by his real love of his job and his strange-but-endearing ultra-secret relationship with fellow office weirdo, the uptight Angela. Dwight’s acrimony with Stamford arrival Andy makes for some classic comedy as well.

Many other characters are actually given a chance to shine this season, among them grumpy middle-aged Stanley (whose fondness for soft pretzels steals the show in one key episode), quiet and sweet Phyllis (who always refers to her new husband by his first and last names), the classic weird old guy Creed, the always-yammering and celebrity-obsessed Kelly, the gay Hispanic accountant Oscar (whose minority status in two categories gives Michael twice the opportunities to make inappropriate jokes), Darryl the warehouse manager (who takes advantage, for his own entertainment, of Michael’s dependence on him for knowledge of “black culture” to trick Michael into acting even more stupid), the hilariously immature Kevin (for whom Pam and Jim once bought 69 cups of noodle soup – so that he could have his favorite lunch and his favorite number all in one) and Toby in Human Resources (a quiet, meek divorced man whom Michael considers his only enemy in the world and about whom Michael routinely makes astonishingly vicious comments). This ensemble is among the deepest in terms of talent that the medium has ever seen, due in large part to an acting team as great as the creative talent writing for it. Jenna Fischer, John Krasinski and Steve Carell draw the lion’s share of attention for their awesome portrayals of Pam, Jim and Michael respectively, but the entire cast is great top-to-bottom.

Ultimately, it’s the blend of all of these elements that makes the American version of The Office the greatest in television history in my opinion. Some of my past favorites have included “Dallas,” “Seinfeld” and “The Simpsons” (before the rampant plot recycling of recent seasons), but none of these shows have combined broad humor, subtle humor and such a keen grasp of the frailties that play into human relationships like this program. The Season Three DVD is a great piece of entertainment and it contains many of what will probably go down as the most transformational episodes in the show’s history. The deleted scenes, which the writers have taken great pains to emphasize publicly that they consider canon, provide countless additional laughs and help paint the broad story of the season also. The writers had wanted to present Karen as a viable rival to Pam throughout the season, so Karen was generally presented in a positive light for most of the season. However, her behavior in the final episode foreshadowed Jim’s eventual choice, and the DVD fleshes this out somewhat with deleted scenes that will perhaps keep you from feeling as bad for somebody who got caught in the middle of a very unfortunate situation. What the writers and producers of the DVD really did was to bring together every bit material that they could for their grateful fans – much as they did with the DVDs for the two previous seasons – and it’s this approach that keeps the followers coming back eagerly for more. Season Three, along with Seasons One and Two before it, comes highly recommended.