Sunday, August 23, 2009

Transcript: Reggie Miller & Banner Guy

By Rick Morris

TURTLE SIGLER: OK, welcome back to our final segment on HIT THAT OR STAND PAT. As I am contractually obligated to do, I would like to thank my wife for marrying me and for getting a no-talent like me this teevee show. I'd like to welcome in our final guests tonight. The first one is somebody I had no intention of being nice to on account of all of the times he broke my heart at the Garden, Reggie Miller.

[audience applause as Reggie enters]

TURTLE: Our next guest has the very unwieldy name of Alex von Furstenberg, but I'm going to borrow a nickname from my old pal Billy Walsh and just call him Trust Fund Baby, or TFB for short. He's the jerkoff that got so threatened by Reggie that he flew a plane with a banner that told him not to hit on married women. As much as I don't like Reggie, I can tell that I'm going to like this smarmy little A-hole even less. Ladies and gentlemen, TFB!

[audience boos TFB]

TFB: You will call me by my real name!

TURTLE: Yeah, I really feel sorry for you. I'm the one that got glossed by a slow reptile. Grow a pair, rich boy. Anyway, let's hear from the two guys with the beef, start with you Reggie.

REGGIE: Well, I don't understand what the big deal is. I gave this girl a chance to upgrade from this empty suit here and he gets all worked up about it!

TFB: I don't like your attitude! I'm better than you are, you had to perspire on a court for your money and I was born with mine!

[audience boos]

TURTLE: Yeah, way to work the sympathy angle there, TFB. OK, let's go to some text reactions from the audience. Dwight Schrute from Scranton, PA says, "The best way to cuckold another man's woman is to embargo his beet supply, thus depriving him of verility." Strangely enough, our next text message is from Andy Bernard in Scranton, PA, who says, "Dwight is a jerk. Nobody likes beets anyway. The best way to woo a woman, regardless of her availability, is to serenade her with a capella music. May I suggest starting with 'My Humps?'" Wow. Guys?

REGGIE: I got nothing.

TFB: Same here.

TURTLE: OK, moving right along. TFB, why the airplane, don't you realize that it makes you look like an insecure putz to pull something like that?

TFB: Stop calling me that! And I'm not insecure, my capacity to fly banners, combined with my expensive cars and homes more than compensate for the size of my genitalia!

REGGIE [sotto voce]: Ain't a brotha alive that's had to go to that card.

[audience laughs and cheers wildly]

TURTLE: Guys, please! Let's keep this on track here. Reggie, I notice that the banner referred to her being a married woman, but she's only his fiancee.

REGGIE: True! That wudn't no wedding ring on her finger there!

TFB: And what would you know about rings, Stevie Silver Medal?

[audience "ooohs"]

TURTLE: Wow, good one! But it kinda begs the question also about why a guy would want a woman who's so ready to flirt with a rich basketball star.

JOHNNY DRAMA (offstage): Yeahhhhhhhh!

TURTLE: Pipe down, Drama! OK, now answer my question.

TFB: She didn't want the attention! Why would she want to be hit on by somebody who's the second-best hoops player in his own family and more feminine than that sister to boot!

[audience "ooohs" again]

REGGIE: Well, why don't we see what she wants, sucka! Bring her out!

[TFB's fiancee enters the stage]

TURTLE: Well, Mrs. TFB-to-be, what's it gonna be? Is Reggie gonna "Hit That or Stand Pat?"

FIANCEE: Oh, he gonna hit that!

[Reggie and fiancee leave stage as audience laughs and applauds. TFB sits in stunned shock.]

TURTLE: Well, there they go. Word to the wise, Reg, you better wrap that rascal! Chick's been around, I bet. Anyway, we got the results in from our poll tonight. 88% of men thought the Miley Cyrus pole dance was "Hella-Hot" and 12% are pathological liars. Well, come back next week when we get another crew of losers in here to fight over stupid broads!

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