How to talk like a blind homer

By Rick Morris

Are you sick of sounding like an intelligent sports fan with well-reasoned, intelligent takes? Do you want to simply repeat and regurgitate the ga-ga from your team, which demonstrably cares way more about saving money than winning a World Series? Well, then we've got the website for you. You can learn every infantile, suck-up-to-the-front-office, know-nothing propagandistic talking point necessary to become a Useful Idiot Par Excellence for the Front Office, such as:

^ "When we don't win championships, the real reason lies with that big ol' meanie Jim Thome, who admittedly left five full seasons ago. But he's just out to get paid. Players chase the last dollar out of Cleveland all the time. I bet that never happens in other cities. Man, our poor unlucky front office just can't catch a break!"

^ "Even if C.C. Sabathia leaves, it's still nothing but blue skies and palomino ponies! We're set up from here until the end of time with athletes even George Steinbrenner would saw off his left nard to have on his team! The only unfortunate thing about C.C. leaving would be those mean fans somehow blaming Larry Dolan for not signing him and Mark Shapiro for letting the situation fester to that point. The nerve of those peons! The Tribe front office is right, these uneducated ingrates don't know how good they've got it!"

^ "The Tribe will sign C.C. Past history regarding franchise players and the Dolan ownership is completely irrelevant! Those who try to learn from history are delusional and can't see what Our Great Benevolent Ownership is doing for us in the glorious struggle against the Infidels of the Central Division!"

^ "Offseason upgrades? Those are for mere mortals! We don't need no stinking offseason upgrades! I can't believe that these uneducated fans are impressed with the acquisition of Miguel Cabera. How many World Series titles has he won? Really? Ok, scratch that last point."

^ "The Indians' mediocre farm system of present is NOT the result of poor drafting! It's a combination, circumstances, bad luck, a lunar eclipse and a curse placed on the minor leaguers by that evil Jim Thome!"