Mittens = Emo

By Rick Morris

All across the Internet, groupies for Objectively Unfit Mitt Romney are mourning the death of his presidential bid in 2008. They're really taking it hard. Why, one bitterman in this comment thread even had the audacity to drop the "I hope you're happy now" routine on yours truly (for the record, I am and thanks for asking!).

There are certainly different schools of thought on how to handle a profound loss like the one these hero-worshipers are suffering at the moment. Some may say that it's unhealthy to wallow in the moment and the persistent sense that life is unfair.

To that, I say poppycock.

Because I believe, at the moment, that they could well learn from the one archetype who knows their present state of mind all too well: The Weird Kid At The Mall With The Flippy Hair Who Wears All Black and Carves Bleak Catchphrases Into His Skin And Listens To Depressing Music 24/7. With a wisdom well beyond his or her years, that strange young person would know exactly how to handle this situation. "Go ahead and wallow," that self-actualizing social outcast would proclaim. "Give in to the gloom -- the world will just beat you down anyways!"

So in the interests of helping out the folks whose hero I have been beating like a snare drum for the last few months ... Ladies and Gentlemen, here to provide the bleak music to serve as the soundtrack for the shattered hopes and dreams of the Mitt-Bots, please give it up for Simple Plan!